Monday, November 05, 2012

The Toilet Paper Chronicles

Josh emailed me this little ditty he wrote this morning for his journal.  After wiping my tears from laughing so hard, I decided to post it to the blog for others to enjoy.  I think it definitely has funny columnist potential!!  Here's to a good laughing cry!...

The Toilet Paper Chronicles...Nov 5th 2012 Journal Entry

We can’t seem to keep enough toilet paper in the house.  Audrey seems to think it takes a half a role to finish her business.  We are going to start a TP allowance program.  We have to keep a plunger handy in each bathroom for the inevitable overflows.  There are few things in the home that bring the panic and helpless feeling as a toilet overflowing.  As I see the dirty water rising, terror and disgust fill my heart as dirty water spills over onto the floor. 
Audrey also fails to flush after she has filled the bowl from top to bottom, planting an overflow bomb for the next unsuspecting customer. I was called into the bathroom this morning by Natalie who had also just used the toilet but was afraid to flush because all the water had been soaked up in the toilet because there was so much paper in the bowl.  I yelled down at Audrey for filling the toilet again, and the response was “it wasn’t me!”  I don’t understand how kids can look you in the eye and tell you a complete lie.  They know you know and you know they know you know, but they maintain their innocence.  It must have been the evil toilet paper fairy.  So I stepped into the bathroom with trepidation.  Natalie said “I’m not flushing it... you do it” as she walked out of the blast zone and cringed in the hallway. At this point a small crowd had formed.  Katie was shaking her head and saying “It was Aaauudrey.”  I stepped and decided to  role the dice with a flush.  I pushed down on the lever and prayed that it would go down and not up, because... what is my other option at that point, fish out all the toilet paper by hand?  Not likely.  There was silence as the paper barely started to spin, but then slowly retreated and disappeared as the toilet gave a loud gurgle, swallowing the wad.  Another crisis averted, Natalie and Katie let out a sigh of relief, Audrey was downstairs eating pancakes like nothing had happened.